make my messes matter, make this chaos count

by - 6/07/2018

AKA 'I don't often title blog posts with song lyrics, but when I do, it's almost my birthday.'

As of the day this posts, my 18th birthday is tomorrow! this is not a beg for birthday wishes but, you know, if you want to, throw them at me. It feels as though it should be a bigger day than it is. In reality nothing much is going to change -- I've been functioning as an almost-adult for a while now. The day after my birthday I'll go to work same as always. I'll drive myself there, in my own car. I'll come home and work on things and watch Netflix. I won't feel much different, and my future won't have magically revealed itself.

Still, it's a significant day, and smaller-Aimee wouldn't have expected it to ever come, it felt so far away.

(No, I don't know what this post is about either.)

Life is messy. It's not poetic aesthetic blog posts I've never been able to write (thank goodness). It's wet floors at work. Cars that don't start. Caffeine headaches. Greasy hair. Sore fingers. Loud families. I am a mess most of the time and a trashfire the rest of it, and most times I end up staring at whatever I've just written with confusion. I don't know how any of it is going to be good.

I don't know how any of it is going to get me anywhere.

I don't know how someone humming with anxiety and sensory issues and peculiar tics is going to do any of the things I'd like to do in this life, much less be successful at them, especially when almost everything ends in a disaster. Most of the time I end up listening to Sleeping At Last and driving home from work tired and sore, trying to pray and ending up with a tired plea.
make my messes matter. make this chaos count.

I want all of these disaster ideas and churned-out words and passionate moments to be used for something bigger than me. I want to be driven and I want to be listening -- I want to be someone who's working so hard to follow God that I don't even notice the unexpected working out just right. I want to be seeking something bigger than me, and right now, I'm tiny and selfish and that's just not happening. I'm working on it. So every day I want my prayer to be that this isn't just about me, and that I've got my eyes on more important things.

On my own I am...yeah, I'm a trash fire. I'm not much to look at. I'm kinda small. But every so often, in little moments, I've got my eyes in the right place and my feet moving forward, and that makes me realize that it's not about me. It's about what he's doing through me. Stuff that's so much more amazing than anything I can power through myself. (I don't much like that. I'd rather do it all myself. But that isn't going to work.)

Turning 18 is weird. It matters a lot and at the same time it doesn't matter at all. But looking forward, I want to work on letting myself disappear. All this chaos, all these messy words and run-on sentences, they won't matter so much in the long run, right? 

I've got a lot of years left. I'm looking forward to all of them.

Also, being an adult. That's pretty neat.

obligatory birthday selfie

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  1. "I want to be someone who's working so hard to follow God that I don't even notice the unexpected working out just right." <--- Wow. WOW WOW WOW. That hit me hard. That is the goal, isn't it? I love how you put things.

    This was such a powerful post. You words DO matter, girl. They hit home every single time.

    I do hope you have the most magical 18th birthday tomorrow!!!! *throws confetti and shoots fireworks*

  2. You're right, life is anything but aesthetic. It's messy and hard.
    Happy Birthday!!!

  3. Beautiful, love it. Happy birthday! :)

  4. I love this post! Happy birthday, Aimee!

  5. You have a really powerful way with words, Aimee. You always say things that resonate. Happy 18th Birthday!


    There's some creep who commented on your graduation/California post. It is the comment at the bottom.

    I saw the comment and was purely mortified at its disgusting and completely unnecessary content. I recommend you delete it, as it will be very disturbing if you have any younger followers.

  7. I am so, so, SO endlessly proud of you.

  8. Ok so I totally missed this when it came out and therefore am too late to wish you a happy birthday (but a happy new year to you anyway) but ack this resonates so hard with me and just YOU SAID IT perfectly <333


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